Why you attract emotionally unavailable guys (especially as an Asian woman)

Why do you keep attracting emotionally unavailable men? Why is it that no matter whom you date, you end up attracting men who always close up or become distant or start to pull away whenever you begin to share what you are truly feeling inside? If you are feeling uncomfortable or sad or not connected to him or if you want to speak your truth, why do these men pull away? Why do they suddenly become unavailable?

Today we are addressing the root of this pattern. We are understanding why this keeps happening among women, and I want to speak specifically to Asian women. From my experience working with clients who have gone through relationships with emotionally unavailable men, I have seen that this pattern actually comes back to a much deeper root. The root goes far beyond the surface because it is not just about wanting a healthy, stable relationship. Wanting something is not enough. It is about understanding what it truly means to choose love.

For women who come from cultures with suppressive elements, such as Asian culture, there is actually a reason why you keep attracting emotionally unavailable men. This is not just a coincidence. Instead, it points to a part of you that is choosing love even when it is not healthy for you. Even when it does not support you or fulfill you emotionally. Even when there is no real intimacy.

We need to understand the root of this. So first, it is important to clarify what we truly mean by emotionally unavailable men.

From studying the issues I have seen among my clients, I have come to realize that there is a common pattern. Any time a man is emotionally unavailable, he expresses one or maybe all of these four traits. We have summarized them in the acronym BIND. It totally makes sense because when it comes to emotionally unavailable men, we often feel this inexplicable pull towards them even though we know they are not truly good for us. There is a part of us that feels bound or bonded to this pattern and almost wants to resolve it.

These men usually express these traits, which I will explain now. The first is blame. Blame is a weapon often used in relationships with emotionally avoidant partners. Because anytime you express your emotions, your true feelings about the relationship, or concerns about the future, or issues with your family or your life, instead of working through it as a team, the emotionally unavailable man tends to blame you.

He blames you for the circumstances, the chaos, or the unhappiness in the relationship. He may even blame you for every unhappy situation in his life. And so, when you feel your emotions and share your truth, he makes you feel responsible for everything. He makes you feel guilty, as if you are the cause of the chaos. He turns your vulnerability into a reason to blame you.

This can really trip you up because you start to internalize this blame. When you do, you might begin to think that maybe you are the problem, maybe it is your fault, maybe you need to fix yourself, or change something about yourself. You start feeling overly responsible for the relationship and it becomes heavy, draining your energy and your life force. It feels like a one-sided effort where you are the only one working to keep things afloat.

The second trait commonly seen among emotionally unavailable men is ignorance. Similar to blame, this manifests in different ways. Some men react by puffing up, becoming defensive or aggressive when you express emotions. They might get angry or dismissive. Other men may shrink away, withdraw, or ignore you when you bring up your feelings. They might say they are busy, cancel plans, or create distance.

This shrinking or ignoring creates a shield between you and them, making you feel again that it is your fault for bringing up your emotions. You might feel like you are the one causing the problem by speaking your truth.

The third trait is non-commitment. Men who display this behavior are often not fully committed to you. You might find yourself in situationships or friends with benefits where the future is unclear. Even if they do commit to you, you may feel like the relationship is not progressing or they are not showing up consistently. They cancel plans or avoid deeper connection, leaving you feeling unsure if they are truly committed to being with you.

And the fourth trait is defensiveness. When you are brave enough to express your feelings or stand in your truth, these men often become defensive. They feel attacked or personally criticized even when you are simply sharing how you feel. Instead of working through things with you, they become reactive and try to defend themselves or their actions.

This pattern makes the relationship feel heavy and exhausting. It feels like a battle just to get your needs met, to be seen, or to be loved.

The root of all these patterns, however, is not a coincidence. It is not random. The real reason why these traits keep showing up is because we are actually used to love that operates along these lines. It goes much deeper than just the relationship itself.

Think back to earlier than your romantic relationships. Think about how love and connection have shown up in your life before you started dating or in your family relationships. The truth is that the reason why we keep attracting men who display these traits is because we are used to it. These patterns are embedded in our psyche.

They are rooted in how we experienced love early on in life. It could be as early as when we were two or three years old. Because the key with all relationships is that you do not actually get what you want. You get what you are used to.

If in your early relationships or family environment, you were used to being blamed or feeling responsible for everything. If you were used to love that ignores your feelings or dismisses your emotions. If you were used to love that is inconsistent or conditional. If you grew up in an environment where love was associated with blame, neglect, or non-commitment, then these patterns carry into your adult relationships.

It is no wonder that we unconsciously attract men who reflect these same patterns. They feel familiar because they remind us of how love has felt in our early life. We believe that this is normal or that this is what love is supposed to be. And even when red flags appear, we are afraid to let go because we think that love must look like this or that this is the only way to experience love.

It is as if we believe that if we do not accept this type of love, we will end up alone. So we lower our standards or rationalize the red flags. We tell ourselves that maybe he is just having a bad day or that he will change someday.

But the truth is that we are attracting these patterns because we are used to them. We are unconsciously drawn to what feels familiar. This familiarity makes us feel safe, even if it is unhealthy.

To change this pattern, we need to rewire our understanding of love and what we deserve. Instead of settling for love that blames, ignores, avoids, or defends, we want to attract love that is healthy, stable, and emotionally available.

This begins with recognizing that we are worthy of love that sees our highest self, that investigates our inner landscape, and that remains steady and committed. We want love that never leaves and that allows us to be fully ourselves.

It also involves examining our own patterns. Are we used to ignoring our feelings? Are we used to dismissing our emotions? Are we used to just accepting love that is conditional or inconsistent?

We need to practice loving ourselves fully and becoming emotionally available within ourselves first. When we do, we naturally attract the same in others. We start to spot red flags early and maintain higher standards because we understand our worth.

Once we shift our inner landscape, we will no longer feel attracted to love that is unsteady or unavailable. Instead, we will crave and attract love that is real, steady, and nourishing.

My love, this is how you rewire the pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable men. You become emotionally available yourself. You heal the deep patterns rooted in your early life. And you recognize that love is always a reflection of how you feel about yourself.

If you desire deeper support with this process, I invite you to click the link in the description box for a free consultation session. Together, we can map out your transformation toward peaceful, loving, and emotionally fulfilling relationships.

With love.